the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I need to align my fucking chakras
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
