A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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