Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
