im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
