he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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