I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Randomize
