I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
