Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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