my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just high enough for therapy.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
