Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
