i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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