mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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