i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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