I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
