you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
