I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
