ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
