Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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