The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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