So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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