i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
