You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
