I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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