idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
