woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Randomize
