it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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