Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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