I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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