i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
