My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
