can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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