I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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