don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
