I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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