"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
