Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
