I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My vagina just recognized that song.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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