I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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