I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
