I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
