Having a random hookup so left but love u
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
