I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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