You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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