I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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