Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
