I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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