and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
