Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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