i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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