Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
